The Global War Against Chablis, aka « La vie en rouge »

From what I’ve read in the foreign press, especially in the American one, I can only conclude that there’s a Global War Against Chablis & Croissants — the infamous GWACC™. I’m utterly fed up with croissants. I know I’m supposed to eat one every morning, fuck in the afternoon, drink massive amounts of wine in the evening and that it’s why you love me. I know. Usually I don’t even dignify this with counter-arguments because, well, it’s kind of cute although this is mainly, slightly tedious. Just to clarify things, I’m not eating croissants every day, I seldom fuck in the afternoon because that’s usually when I work (yeah, we do work here too, you know, we’re part of the Capitalist Western world, believe it or not) and, I know that doesn’t fit into your well-packaged narrative and I’m sorry, but I mostly drink beer. I’ve lived abroad, I know there are stereotypes you can’t really fight, especially when there’s the Amélie Poulain craze, the Moulin Rouge craze or the 98′ World Cup craze. But now is not the time. Except if you’re really thinking we will fight in this « apocalyptic » battle armed with Weapons of Mass Stereotyping. That sounds really wise to me. Cut the crap, people. We’re not hated because we spill wine but because we spill blood. And, if you’re American, that’s true for you too. You are NOT hated for your freedom. Idiots. Or, let’s be more specific. We’re hated because we can afford a lavish lifestyle thanks to our blood-spilling, our arm-selling, our neo-colonial policies. This is not a war on cuteness. It is neither about being cute, nor is it a war (a war is when two armies are fighting, said your late Bill Hicks and our alive Dominique de Villepin). The first thing we could do about all this is trying to stop lying to ourselves because that’s not going to lead us very far, apart from stereotyping the enemies too, and since the Bush era, we know how effective this is.   If you think my croissants and my horny-in-the-afternoon girlfriend in Louboutin have been attacked, If you think we’re actually not afraid (we are, please, who wouldn’t be), If you think this is a war, If you think the gone-viral commentary in the New York Times was beautiful, If you think Madonna singing « La vie en rose » is powerful, If you think we don’t have our part of responsibility in all this, If you think we can’t understand people with, contrary to us, an apocalyptic view of the world (whereas it’s a well-known fact, Bush didn’t unleash hell on earth and refuse to care about climate change because he believed in some way in Jesus coming back on a white horse), If you pray for me, If you think war is still the answer (you haven’t really stopped to see what our militaries look like, have you?), If you believe we should reclaim patriotism and paint ourselves in the colours of flags, And if you’re French and all this sort of comfort you, You’re both dangerous and delusional.

Fuck you.